It's more than hard

My children have completed 10 days of school.  In those 10 days of school, I have received the following:
5 discipline reports
3 calls home from the guidance counselor
2 bus reports
1 meeting with the guidance counselor

During the phone call today with the guidance counselor, she mentioned that we'd probably be getting another 2 bus reports as the bus driver had to walk Sam and Tom into school today for fighting with each other on the bus.

I often get asked what it is like to have children that have special needs.  "Hard" is the answer I usually give.  "Hard" doesn't really describe it though.  

I was a fairly well behaved child in school, pretty much the classic overachiever type.  I always did my homework, minded my manners, and played well with others.  Upon occasion, I would get into a little bit of trouble.  In my entire elementary school career, I had two detentions, one for talking during class and one for not minding a teacher's directions during recess.
Before having children, I always imagined that my children would turn out similar to me.  I imagined that their teachers would say the sorts of things that my teachers used to say about me.  I never once imagined what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Back to school night is always a nightmare for me.  It never fails that when the teacher says "please find your child's desk," I will be sitting in my child's desk, right up next to the teacher.  There's always a mom or two who make jokes about how they hope they aren't the ones who have the naughty kid up front.  Then I have to sheepishly take my seat up front.  There is a big stigma and a negative perception that goes along with being the parent of the child that can't behave during class.  
It's more than just hard to be the parent of the child who stabbed another boy with a pencil on the third day of school.  It's not easy to have to talk with the teacher whom your child screamed at and called a stupid idiot the two days ago in front of the entire class. 

It's very easy to judge the parents of children like mine.  How we must not be loving them enough or maybe we are loving them too much.  How we must not discipline them enough or maybe we are so strict that the only time the kids can have fun is at school.  How we certainly don't seem to care because we haven't medicated our child to make him conform.  When classmates tell their parents about a boy throwing a fit during class and knocking over his desk, those parents tell the kids to stay away from that boy.

Well, that boy is my son.  And he is a beautiful and loving boy, but it's hard for him to show it sometimes. 

Playing catch up

I want to blog. 
I do. 
I just need to make the concerted effort to blog. 
So, I am going to do it.
I will.
I promise.


Here we go. 

 

We bought a house.  It is the perfect house for us, right now.  Almost four and a half acres of room to run, swim, climb, and play.  It is an older house that has had a lot of work done.  There is still work to do and some work to redo.  We love it.  Of course, being an older home, we've already run into some bumps.  The vinyl liner in the pool had multiple rips and tears.  It was holding water when we first got here, but basically because the dirt at the bottom of the pool was blocking all the holes.  We worked and worked to get the filters running.  We were actually making progress and getting the water cleaner.  It was a black swamp when we started and, four weeks later, it was a blue green when we decided to vacuum.  Vacuuming was the kiss of death for the liner as we removed all the dirt, leaves, and debris that was blocking the holes.  

For the next six weeks, our pool looked more like a skate park than a swimming pool. 

While waiting for our pool to be repaired, our cardboard tube septic lines decided to give up.  Two days and two hundred dollars later, Jay and my dad managed to get them all replaced.

Lots of dirt, lots of digging and lots of horrible smells accompanied this project.  

Finally, our liner was installed.  Summer is almost over, but we have swam almost every day since the install, even though the water was only 66 degrees.

The boys have started school now.  

Joe is in fifth grade and has a male teacher this year.  He is very nervous about being behind on school work and behind what his classmates know.  Joe made a friend the first day of school, but decided the next day that he didn't like the boy after all.  So far, he is enjoying the new start.  Moving has given Joe a clean slate, and he is trying his hardest to prevent some of the previous problems.

Tom is in the third grade, but is taller than Joe and older than most kids in his class.  His birthday is just past the cut-off date for the fourth grade.  His maturity is low though.  By day 3 of this first week, we had already gotten one call from the counselor and one note home from the teacher.  He is struggling to ground himself and stay on task.  I can only hope that he will settle in a bit over the next few days and settle down.  

Silly Sam is in first grade this year and got in trouble on the second day of school.  He was playing with his water bottle and going to the toilet too much!  One little talk from me and a reminder how to behave at school, and he has settled.  He's made some friends in his class, but his best buddy is another first grader that rides his bus.  Sam is the only one who has been excited every day to go to school this week.  

The previous owners gave us 17 hens and one rooster when they moved out.  They didn't have a place to keep them so they are ours now.  Eggs are plentiful.  We've lost two chickens since we've moved in.  I think that they were both egg bound, but I really don't know.  We are working on correcting everything so hopefully we won't lose any more.  

I'm looking for work, but so far, I haven't had any luck.  I've applied to five jobs so far, but haven't even gotten a call back on any of them.  I am way over qualified for them all, but they are jobs that work with school schedules.  I will persist, but it is frustrating.  

I miss Australia from time to time.  Not just the friends we made, but Australia itself.  It's hard to believe that we're actually gone from there.  

I keep thinking things like "on our next holiday, we'll go..." only to remember that we can't just pack up the camper and go to Darwin, Canberra, or into the Blue Mountains.  It was such a fantastic opportunity to live there, and it's hard to not be there anymore.  

I know that we will get settled here and that we will make a new life here.  We'll get there, one step at a time.

Diagnosis day one

As you all know, we've been dealing with getting Joe and Tom diagnosed for the last several months.  Today I met with the psychologist for two hours of discussion on the boys and how she will write up their paperwork.  This paperwork will enable Joe and Tom to get classroom and playground aide time.  The hope is that the aides will be able to work with Joe and Tom to help them in real life situations. I don't have the time or energy to go into everything today, but will soon.  Hopefully. 

Tom- His official label is full of letters.  PDD- NOS with ADHD.  Right.  Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified is very vague.  Tom certainly is on the autistic spectrum, but just doesn't meet enough to be labeled as Asperger's or Autism.  He is strong on some points but mild on others.  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder affects Tom as well. 

Joe- Joe is most definitely Asperger's Syndrome, but may also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  For now, she will write him up only as Asperger's, as Joe has not exhibited the necessary 6 months of ODD symptoms in order to maintain that diagnosis as well.  

The next step is getting the reports to school and the aides set up.  We have ordered many books that help with strategies for home and school, and I will be doing lots of reading in the future.

And now, to try again...

So our evaluations did not go well.  We spent lots of money ($580 cash!) and time (2 1/2 hours in the office + 2 hours in the car) for a very unsatisfied feeling.
The doctor was a semi-retired man in his 70's.  I only mention this because it explains a lot if you know about the history of Asperger's Syndrome.  While AS was "discovered," in 1944, it has only been included as a formal diagnosis since 1994!  Since he has been practicing for almost 50 years, it isn't something he would have learned about at med school.  Of course, he is familiar with it.  This doctor just doesn't believe in labeling anyone.  His reasoning is that once parents get a label, they stop trying to fix the problems.  Perhaps some parents do.  We don't.  We know that a label won't solve anything in an instant. 
Here is what a label gets us:

• Access to support groups for the kids 
• Access to therapy programs that require a specific diagnosis in order to participate
• A classroom aide, paid for by the state government
• A specialized education program for each boy
• Passes for the library for lunch and recess time (in order to escape the playground drama)

Believe me, I am not a huge fan of labels either.  It would be great if society was able to accept my children for who they are and not for who they aren't.  And I wouldn't be pushing for a label if I didn't feel it was needed.  All you need to do is spend 10 minutes with my kids when they are around other kids.  You can see how much they are not like a "typical" kid.  My kids actually do fairly well around adults and don't tend to get anxious.  Their anxiety and excitement of being around other kids causes them to act out.  I need help so that I can teach them how to respond better and control their actions better.

The doctor we saw would just prefer to medicate Joe and do nothing for Tom.  While my children do have similar issues socially, the way that they behave and act is different.  The more I read about Asperger's, the more I am convinced that they both have it. 

In case you are wondering, as of now, Sam is not showing many AS signs.  He does talk in a very loud voice and does not recognize personal space.  However, we think that they may be learned behaviors from being around Joe and Tom rather than AS problems. Though I worry about it a lot. 

Jay struggles with this a lot as well.  In all likelihood, Jay has AS as well.  The same problems that Joe is going through now, Jay went through when he was a child.  The problems that plague married couples that have one AS partner plague us as well.  Jay accepts that he has AS, to the point of saying "is there any doubt?"  I doubt that he would ever go for a formal diagnosis though.  It's not needed.  

Facing Facts

One of my biggest character flaws is that I hate to face facts or reality.  I much prefer to bury my head in the sand and just keep plugging along. 

After multiple weeks of requests from Tom's teacher, I finally scheduled some much needed doctor appointments.  Tom's teacher is quite sure that he has Asperger's Syndrome.  Of course, this is nothing new to us as we've thought that about Joe for years.  It's just hard for me to admit that I may have two children with it. 

So the first step is to get a referral from our general practitioner.  He visited with Joe and Tom for about 20 minutes each, taking care to talk to the child and not to me.  He wrote referrals for the specialist for both boys, which wasn't much of a surprise. 

For Joe, it is difficulties with co-operation, socialisation, oppositional behaviours, and poor impulse control.  The doctor suspects Asperger's Syndrome and/or Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  Joe's teacher has given us a list of problematic behaviours for Joe:

• constant arguing with classmates
• constant arguing with teacher about work to be done
• refusal to do work in class if he doesn't fee like it
• problems with outbursts and crying
• poor ability to make friends
• annoys other classmates to the point that Joe is bullied
• refusal to take responsibility for actions
• often lashes out at other students over very minor issues
• does not understand concept of personal space

For Tom, it is difficulties with aggression, poor impulse control, bullying, and poor social skills.  He also has problems with depressive thoughts.  The doctor suspects Asperger's Syndrome and possible depression.  Tom's teacher has written a letter saying that he has problems in the following areas:

• continual touching, kicking, hitting and generally annoying other students
• often cries or becomes distressed when he does not "get a turn," even if many others have not had a turn
• very rough play, often hurting others
• continued disruption to others in the classroom including regular calling out and noise making
• does not read body language or facial expressions of other children to know that he is annoying them
• other children have noticed that Tom is different and do not want to play with him.  
• often speaks very loudly and forcefully

 We visit the specialist on Wednesday for evaluations.  I am not sure what will come of it, but I have a feeling that we have at least two boys with Asperger's Syndrome.  Of course, I feel like I have let down the boys a bit.  We tried for a bit in the States to get Joe evaluated for it.  His doctor has been saying since age 4 that he probably has it.  The problem was that every time we tried to get him evaluated, we were told to wait until he was older.  Now, everyone is asking why we waited so long!
I met with a local support group for the first time this week.  Through a friend, I'd met a mom that is in a similar situation.  She told me about the group that meets once a month.  Unfortunately, it was on a day when Sam was home so I couldn't stay very long at the group.  Next month I will get a sitter for Sammy.  It was nice just to feel like I am not alone in the world with this issue.   

Playing catch up

I haven't forgotten about blogging.  It just has taken a back burner for a while.  I am pretty much always two steps behind on everything.
So I am here to do some catching up.

Last month, we had our Spring school holidays.  As usual, it rained, but we vacationed anyway.  Jay got back from Korea and 14 hours later, I shoved everyone into the car and drove 6 hours.  We drove south to Callala Beach.  It is located on the southern coast of New South Wales.  It's very beautiful down there and full of tourists.

Booderee National Park

Booderee National Park

Stars over Jervis Bay

Kiama Light House

View from Saddleback Mountain

View from Barren Grounds State Reserve

Fitzroy Falls

Nellie's Glen

Carrington Falls

View from Wallis Chair lookout

We had a few days with less rain, and we were able to get out and see the sights.  We visited Booderee National Park, Fitzroy Falls, and Carrington Falls.  We had a nice relaxing week.

For the second week of school holidays, I took the boys camping with some friends of mine.  We all left the dads at home and had a gals week of camping with the kids, 4 moms and 9 kids in total.  We drove two hours north to Seal Rocks.  Seal Rocks is a laid back beach area, only reached by driving 5 kms on a gravel road.  There is not much in Seal Rocks besides a small general store, beaches, a lighthouse, and the holiday park where we camped.   It was beautiful!

Tom and Josh, brrr it's cold

The oldest kids, walking to the lighthouse

view of Boat Beach

Can you spot the whales?

Tawny Frog Mouth Owl

Sugarloaf Lighthouse

View of beach, from lighthouse

Seal Rocks

Joe

Joe and Tom

Lighthouse, a very steep walk up to the lighthouse!

One of my friends grew up near here and was childhood friends with the last lighthouse keeper's daughter

Youngest and oldest kids on the trip, Sam and Sarah

Tom

All 9 kids on the trip

Silliest faces

Fun with sparklers (Tom on left and Joe on right)

Sam's first sparkler, EVER!

Tom

We had a really enjoyable and relaxing time on both trips, but we were glad to get back to normal.  At least for a little while...

Photography class, week 2

For week 2, we needed to work on using our AV (aperture priority) and TV (shutter priority) settings. 

AV setting allows me to choose how wide the aperture will be on the camera.  The smaller the number mean the wider the aperture. Wider apertures allow more light into the camera and also makes a shorter depth of field.  More narrow apertures allow for an increased depth of field.  A wide aperture gives a nice soft background to a focused object.  Here are my AV photos:

I probably took 100 photos with this setting, but the three best just all happened to be of Lacey.

The TV setting allows me to adjust how long the shutter stays open.  Faster shutter speeds allow the user to capture people and objects in motion without any blur.  Longer shutter speeds allow more light into the photo and are best for low light situations. 

Really Quick Update

I have started my photography class, and I am really enjoying it.  Our paid babysitter, Elle, is probably not enjoying it.  My kids love her to pieces, and she stalled when I asked if she could come back for the 3rd Monday in a row.  She still hasn't given me an answer.  I hope she'll be able to, but I do have some backups.  I am also using a younger babysitter on Saturday to watch the boys.  She'll have her mom there as well, as she is only 13.  I am going to a field trip for my class, and I don't think the other students would enjoy having kids running around while they are trying to photograph.
I have friends who are coming over to scrapbook tonight.  It is so exciting!

Joe is doing really well at school right now.  He's had a few weeks with no problems at all!!  Joe starts a social skills learning group today at school.  I am pretty happy that he was invited to join this term.  Perhaps it will give him some much needed friend-making skills.  Joe really enjoyed participating in the music festival last week and can't wait for next year's festival. 

Tom is still having some ups and downs at school.  On the days that he seems to do better in the classroom, he does worse outside.  We are still waiting on the school counselor to get together with us.  We can't move forward until she gives us all the needed reports and forms.
Tom is out of the sling.  He has x-rays again tomorrow, with his final (hopefully!) specialist appointment on Monday.  He will then have another 6 weeks of reduced activity in order to let the bone continue to heal.

Sam is being a challenge right now.  He is trying to assert his way, which isn't going very well.  This morning, he refused to make his bed.  It is a house rule that it needs to be done.  He went back into his room for a short bit, then came out.  Sam announced that he couldn't make his bed because it was wet.  He'd peed on it last night.  Normally, this isn't a big deal.  I change the sheets and be done.  The problem was I knew that his bed was dry a few minutes earlier.  Sure enough, he'd gone into his room, pulled down his pants, and peed on the bed!!  All just to avoid making the bed!!  Well, he had to strip the sheets and he'll have to help put them on when they finish drying.  He will then have to make the bed after the sheets are on! Goodness! I hope he moves out of this phase soon.

Jay is still in Korea.  We have no idea when he is going to show back up in Australia.  He was supposed to return on the 21st.  That got bumped to the 27th, which got bumped until the 1st or 2nd.  On Monday, Jay said probably wouldn't be until the 3rd or 4th.  A coworker told me last night that I shouldn't hold my breath about him coming home then either. 
So, he will come home when he comes home.  Until then, we are holding down the fort...sorta...kinda...well, we're trying...

Photography Class, week 1

I am taking a class about how to use Digital SLR cameras at the little local community college.  The college doesn't offer many courses that I would be interested in, but I've had my eye on this one for a couple of terms. 
I finally decided just to sign up for it. 
During the first week, our instructor walked us through the different types of settings and photo composition.  For our homework, we had to take lots of pictures on Full Auto.  We then had to choose our favorites and submit them to the instructor.  She would then share them with the class on the next Monday. 
I submitted mine, but somehow, they got missed.  The instructor didn't have them in time for class Monday, even though I'd emailed her on early Sunday with them.  No big deal.  I have no idea if she will share them now that she has found them or if she will just move on to the next group of photos.
Here are the ones I submitted:

It was a week plagued by bad weather and camera memory card problems.  I lost several photos when my card gave up, but I think I still managed to get some that I like. 

Week 2: Aperture Priority and Shutter Priority, along with a field trip to the beach for sunset photos